Asking Deeper Questions

It’s been my experience that even the most resilient, grittiest people have cracks in their armor. Cracks that can cause them to trigger the stress response and behave in ways that are far from resilient. Many people’s instant reaction is to blame someone or something, or to smooth over the crack - every little thing’s gonna be alright. But upon deeper reflection, the way to really get to the root of the reaction is to ask deeper questions. To uncover well-worn patterns of reactions that may be decades, even generations in the making. 

What are these deeper questions that lead to an awareness of what causes one’s stress response? What are the cracks, really? What I’ve come to conclude is that the cracks are emotional disturbances, like solar flares on the sun that have far-reaching consequences Anything that disrupts our equilibrium. And then, once stress hormones are released, we are vulnerable to over-react to the smallest of things.

The questions I ask my clients are like these:

What annoys you? What causes you to feel angry or frustrated? What keeps you up at night? What do you feel anxious or nervous about? What fears do you have? What makes you feel ashamed? What worries do you have? Real or imagined. As one of my clients said to me, I look so calm and strong on the outside, but inside, it’s a 24/7 barely-controlled burn. 

Sometimes, to uncover the feelings, the body gives clues. What causes you to feel your face turn red? You’re sweating too much? Peeing too much? Your stomach is queasy. What do you take medications for? What pains do you have? Do you fidget or feel tension in your face, your shoulders. I once had a client whose toes were all curled up inside his dress shoes and he would wind his legs around chair legs. 

When I’m coaching, I watch my client’s face and body. They tense up when they talk about an issue that could potentially trigger their stress response, and I get to help them see it right in real time. We need to lift up the hood and see what is really going on in our operating system. 

The Elegant Pivot

I took two ferry rides this past Thanksgiving weekend, thanks to my middle son and his wife who had rented a log home on Drummond Island off the Upper Peninsula of Michigan, a ferry ride that took five minutes one way, and fifteen minutes back.  On the way back, a 700-foot freighter, the Joseph L. Block, was making it’s way through the mile-wide strait. I figured our ferry, which holds 36 cars, would stay docked until the ferry passed, but no, we were in motion. 

To avoid collision, the ferry pivoted broadside to the freighter as it passed, then turned so that we crossed the strait backwards. Once we reached the other side, it pivoted again and we came into the dock facing forwards to unload. 

At first, I wondered why we didn’t stay docked. We started out, which at first caught me off guard, but then the way he positioned the ferry to the freighter allowed most of the cars to take in the sight. People got out and took photos. It was exciting to be on the water so close to it. 

I realized that the ferry operator knew how to adapt, and he likely knew that delaying the start would delay arriving on the other side. Just as in life, as we master the ability to adapt, we skillfully handle obstacles to reach our goals. 

I stopped teaching violin at a college in 2018, and I rarely perform on my violin or conduct after thousands of concerts. Yet by becoming a professional musician, I learned how to overcome performance anxiety and master my emotions, how to align my brain and body to help me perform well, how to lead seventy musicians. It was this learning that would bring me to my deepest calling. Not what I had originally set out to do, but what I created through adaptive learning, which is informed by what I set out to do in life.

Fulfilled lives don’t necessarily come from well-laid plans, but from adapting, pivoting, and expanding on those plans daily, maybe even on a moment-to-moment basis, which is the secret, as well, to Pressure-Free Living.

Staying Healthy

Over the Holidays

This is a painting of White Park in Concord, New Hampshire (I wish I knew the artist) and is the very view I had from my bedroom window growing up. I could look down and tell by the color of the parkas if any of my friends were skating. The pond was lit up at night, too, so we could skate after dinner. Skating, sliding, skiing - we were in the park practically every day after school.

That was the 60's and 70's. Now, many of us seem to spend the buld of our time, even our leisure time, indoors.

Tip 1: My first tip for staying healthy over the holidays is to move and breathe fresh air, even if you just go outside and dance or walk around the block, especially after eating.

Tip 2: Smaller portion sizes. The moment the weather changed, I found myself wanting to eat more and maybe you have, too. For millennia, in cold climates, humans would instinctively bulk up during the fall, both for warmth and for the fact that food could be scarce during the winter. You don't necessarily need to deny yourself all those great fall and holiday foods, but too much will tax your digestive system adn lower your immunity. Portion size can help.

Tip 3: Stay Pressure-Free. Stress can ramp up over these month, so keep a list of Pressure-Free tools handy to use the second you start feeling tense or overwhelmed. Here are a few of my favorites:

• Slogan: Less is more. Each year I let go of something I feel I "have" to do to make the holiday great.
• Qualify Your Agenda: Put an adjective next to each item on your calendar. For example: Holiday dinner with friends: Joyful. Assume the best when attending or hosting gatherings. We often trigger the stress response before or at social events, even expecting certain people to behave in ways that trigger us. Adding an adjective is your opportunity to plant the intention in your mind that this is what you are aiming for.
• Relaxed Abs. Keeping the front of your body soft tells your brain you don't need to go into Fight--or-Flight. It also enhanced connection: your heart is more open, your tone of voice is full and pleasing, your face is more open.

I hope that your holidays are filled with joy, peace, and love.

Tips for a Clarity Retreat

When the attendees of my retreat in New Hampshire were descending Mount Kearsarge last weekend at the Pressure-Free Clarity Retreat, my husband took this photo of the sun shining through the forest on us. Being on that mountain and feeling that sun was the perfect place to gain clarity about our lives.

Often, people come work with me because they feel stuck and unable to define what they really want and how to move forward. According to Stanford psychologist Anthony Wagner in a paper published April 2, 2020 in Current Biology, "Stress can rob you of the ability to draw on cognitive systems underlying memory and goal-directed behavior that enable you to solve problems more quickly, more efficiently, and more effectively.”

When you are chronically under the influence of stress hormones, it's hard to assess your past and present to develop what you really want in your future. But by staying Pressure-Free and not releasing those hormones for at least a day, your mind begins to work for you, not against you.

For years, even before I created Pressure-Free in 2010, I've taken myself on a two-night clarity retreat to allow myself the freedom to get quiet, think clearly, and create an action plan for myself. Now, I host retreats both in person and online. I encourage my clients to attend at least one and to do a solo one, too.

Here are some tips to create your own:

• Set aside time, from 1/2 day to 3 days for your retreat.
• Choose an inspiring place that is comfortable and easy.
• Reduce distractions like clocks, phones, computers as much as possible.
• List out what you want to bring: journal, markers, clothing, food, computer to create plan, etc.
• Create a basic agenda that you are free to change up.
• Have a clear intention about what you hope to achieve.

Once you've done a few retreats, it's interesting to look back and see what you wrote and what has transpired since. I did this recently, and some of the details I had written happened exactly as I had envisioned!

Dates are set for 2025 and you can grab an early-bird discount:

Three spots still open for this! Click here for more information.

Pushing Too Hard: Tufts Lacrosse and Netflix's Cheer

When does a hard workout shift from building a stronger body to breaking down the body? Last month, nine members of the Tufts University lacrosse team were hospitalized with rhabdomyolysis, also referred to as rhabdo following a voluntary, supervised 45-minute workout with a Navy SEAL graduate. Rhabdo is a condition in which muscles break down and leak their components into the bloodstream. In serious cases, it can cause damage to the kidneys and other organs. The condition is relatively rare but can be life-threatening.

I’ve been reflecting on this event at Tufts just a few months after one of my sons completed two back-to back-marathons --52 miles in two days. He ran a 3:15 in New Jersey, then took a plane to Boston and ran under 3:00 there.

I wasn’t at the workout at Tufts, so I have no idea of its intensity, but for the sake of comparison, let’s consider back-to- back full marathons also very intense—very few people could do that. So I’ve been thinking about what made it possible for him to do it so easily that after the race he was walking around as if he was a spectator with no ill effects from the activity, but the members of the Tufts team experienced the difficulty they had. 

Tufts has initiated an investigation which will most likely focus on the intensity of the workout. But it strikes me that there are other elements that might provide reasons for these athletes breaking down. For example, I wonder how the workout was presented to the team. Was it presented as being one of the toughest workouts you'll ever experience? If so, athletes may have triggered the stress response not just once, but repeatedly, feeling nervous leading up the workout, which would compromise their bodies' resilience and health before the workout even began.

I also wonder if athletes had, either explicitly or implicitly, permission from coaches and captains to step out if they felt it getting too intense? Or was there significant pressure to complete the workout?

When our son told me he was running back-to-back marathons, I had a bit of concern (glycogen pull from the liver and heart being one of them.) But he was committed, and said the second day was just for fun, that he would even walk if he had to. He gave himself permission to dial down if needed and stayed Pressure-Free.

It is very possible to do hard things well when we aren't compromised by stress hormone release. And it is my suspicion that this played a factor in the Tufts incident.

I first learned about rhabdo years ago when a talented runner I knew was hospitalized for months as it affected several organs. Ever since, it has made me curious about excessive training.

For example, while watching the popular Netflix series Cheer, I noticed the huge waste buckets lined with pastic bags and thought to myself, "Oh no, those are for when the workouts are so intense that students can't keep their food down." And sure enough...that was the case. If food is our fuel, then how does it make any sense to train an athlete so hard that they can't keep anything in their stomach? And what are the long-term effects of this?

The Tufts team was conference champions last year, undoubtedly hoping to repeat and do better this year. The Cheer team was expected to win Nationals year after year. The pressure to perform, if it results in constant triggering of the stress response, does not result in optimal performance.

It's up to coaches, captains, team leaders, and parents of students who are high-achieving to create a culture of excellence that also recognizes when an athlete needs assistance: to know the signs of burnout, eating disorders, repeated injuries, suicidal ideation, and to recognize when an athlete is pushing over the edge.

Photo: Jeffrey F. Lin

Experiences: It's Not Just Running a Marathon

There are a lot of funny instagram posts about the insane travel sports schedules (to Guatamala, then rafting over to Cuba, jetting to Croatia! The same can be said for high-level music ensembles like the one my son Hugh was in - the Battle Creek Boychoir - that traveled nationally and internationally for performances.

We were a travel hockey family with all three boys playing, plus school sports - our sons often doubled in season. And my husband and I both coached. Someone looking at our calendar might think we were crazy to try to do all of that plus our jobs. But we'd do it all again in a heartbeat. The experiences provided us with abilities that now serve us well:

• Friends. The families with all of these activities became great friends that to this day we still love and care about, even though we've moved to a different city.
• Travel experience. The businesses we now own require travel and all of us travel easily with great enjoyment thanks to all those years on the road with teams.
• Not much time for screens. Our boys still found time to play video games, but not a whole lot. And we watched very little TV because we were on the move pretty much every day.
• Patience. Sometimes there would be the "hurry up and wait" experience that would require patience.

I miss coaching track. And I miss watching hours of baseball at Battle Creek's beautiful Bailey Park. And drinking cups of hot water in freezing cold rinks. I still hop over and watch our eldest play men's league hockey sometimes! And now, we are taking bigger trips, thanks to our youngest son William who started running marathons when he was in college.

At first, it was New York with one of his college roommates, then, by his senior year, he was booking trips and traveling all over to run almost every month. January of his senior year, he was scheduled to run in Houston, and he asked me if I'd like to come with him. We had a blast. We even went to an outdoor skating rink together!

His participation in marathons has turned into experiences with family members and friends that are creating lifetime memories. His brother Hugh, Hugh's fiancee Emma (they ran the 10K) and another of his college roommates went to Hawaii one year, and that roommate just went to Alaska with William last summer. His other college roommate has run New York and New Jersey with him.

In 2022, my husband, Hugh, and I accompanied him to Vancouver, Canada where we met up with one of my husband's college roommates whom we hadn't seen since our wedding.

Last Spring we went with William to the Fargo, North Dakota marathon, stopping at the site of the Ingalls Little House in the Big Woods in Pepin, Wisconsin. And our most recent trip, that included William's friend Miranda, was a week in Berlin for that 50th. 55,000 runners took part. My husband ran the 5K the day before and got to run under the Brandenburg Gate.

All of these trips remind me of how a passion for something - sports, music, hobbies, collectibles - can create reasons for travel and the chance to experience other cultures and parts of our country that one might never visit.

And for a few years now, William has organized the Ingalls Pictures 5K run in Grand Rapids that our middle son Ned and his wife Jacklyn participate in, too. If you want to join us, this year's is on November 9th. Just email me and I will make sure you get an invite!

The photo above is of William, me and my husband Pete in front of the Berlin Cathedral.

Time for

Pressure-Free Parenting

Whenever I order a box of my books to give to clients, it reminds me of how cool it is to create something from nothing.

I shared information about this book last month, but since this advisory has come out, I feel compelled to do so again because parent coaches have told me what a great it is  and that is not your typical parenting book.

During the pandemic, a woman I had coached told me that parents were really having difficulty with everyone at home trying to work and have online school. So I wrote this book in 90 days in a workshop with one of my mentors, Robert G. Allen.

During the pandemic, a woman I had coached told me that parents were really having difficulty with everyone home trying to work and have online school. So I wrote this book in 90 days in a workshop with one of my mentors, Robert G. Allen.

Parents have told me that they've read it and re-read it and keep it handy to reference. In the book, you'll learn the basics of the Pressure-Free Method with a hand-full of tools to get started. If these tools don't help you, book a call and I can share some more. I have over 50! The second section of the book is my assessment of Maslow's hierarchy of needs and how to improve each level. Then the last section of the book helps you identify age-specific stressors from pregnancy to creating a legacy with your adult children.

I also recorded the book in video format all in one sitting, and wanting to give you free access:

https://pressure-free.lpages.co/pressure-free-parenting-video-book/

If you would like a hard copy or paperback copy of the book, it is on Amazon. Just click here to access it. I'm happy to have a conversation anytime with you if you feel it would be beneficial to learn more. You can access my calendar above or at www.ElleIngalls.com/Calendar.

Client Spotlight:

Pageants and Politics

Amy Cohen, Graduate Student

My Pressure-Free client Amy Cohen competes in pageants, something I fell into one spring in 1980. Even back then, people seem to have strong opinions about pageants ("you're doing WHAT?!!"), and the rhetoric has grown thanks to social media. In fact, just this Labor Day Weekend, my news feed had an article that vice-presidential candidate J. D. Vance brought up the 2007 incident that went viral with a young Miss Teen USA contestant - a video of her interview question where she was flustered. She'd obviously triggered the stress response. The humilation, harrassment, and bullying she experienced drove her to the point that she contemplated suicide. (Check out the video below where the emcee interviews her in 2021.)

Amy and I have a lot of shared experiences, forty-odd years apart. We both graduated from Concord High School in Concord, New Hampshire and were both athletes who got injured in high school, then thrived in college, and we both experienced illness. Regarding pageants, it's been great for me to have had a little background, to go down memory lane a bit, and to hear how things have changed with Amy's experiences. What hasn't changed, as was the case for the 2007 contestant, was that when you are interviewed, you have no idea what they are going to ask you on that stage.

In May of my senior year, over the loud speaker, I was asked to go to the principal's office. I was afraid that something was wrong or that I'd done something wrong, but no, the faculty had chosen me to represent our school in the Kiwanis Trade Fair Scholarship Pageant. Now, that was probably even more frightening to me than if I'd done something wrong!!

I won the pageant. And then decided to go for the Miss Winnipesaukee Pageant held at Fun Spot near the Weirs. That was an eye-opener. All but two of us were seasoned at this pageant thing, so she and I didn't win at all. We didn't wear hose with our bathing suits or tape up various body parts! But it was fun, and I got to practice walking in heels (though I had wanted to go barefoot!), and I got to experience the hot seat of the interview.

In Concord, for the interview portion of the pageant, they asked my opinion of the building of the Seabrook Nuclear Plant. I gave all the pros and cons of both that I could think of spur of the moment.  In talking with Amy, many of her interview questions have been political in nature as well and not easy to answer. Amy is Jewish, and judges seem to want her to express her opinion on what has been happening in Gaza.  

Amy had been participating in several pageants this summer, earning scholarship money. She is only 20 years old, graduated from Plymouth State College last year, and I wish her well as she starts her graduate work at Boston University.

(Below is the back story to the 2007 event.) 

The Anxiety of

Striving for Perfection

As I write this, I'm getting ready to host my retreat on Lake Michigan this month, and it reminded me of vacations we took there and in New Hampshire as a family. Here are some tips that may be of help to experience a beautiful vacation:

1. Plan time for various family members to have one-on-one time. My son Hugh mentioned to me how grateful he was that for several summers he and our middle son Ned got to spend time in NH alone with my parents and one-on-on time with them, and then we would come for the days we could get off from work. Precious memories were made!

2. Flexibility. Allow for a more relaxed schedule. If everyone is having fun on the beach, stay in fun-mode. My phone flipped to Central time once when I was on the beach at Pentwater and it was so great to have an extra hour not worried about the time.

3. Play to the youngest. We tried as a family to plan our activities that would include everyone - things the youngest could do as well as the oldest. In NH at our big family reunion, we had a wild game of kick the can and the adults would carry the little ones so they could be a part of it, too.

4. Allow for quiet time. Once we were preparing dinner for quite a crew in NH, and my mother noticed that one of my sons - only 10 at the time - had gone down on the dock and seemed deep in thought. She turned to me and said, That's so beautiful, let's hold dinner for a bit until he comes up.

5. One more thing! This is an Ingalls Family tradition - we are usually the last to come out of the water, the last to leave the Go-Karts, the last to go to sleep, the last to get home because we've stopped at one more beach for a final swim!

Presure-Free Parenting

Four years ago, I wrote a book that has helped so many families make small adjustments to reduce stress, anxiety, drama, and illness, both mental and physical.

I also recorded the book in video format all in one sitting, and wanting to give you free access:

https://pressure-free.lpages.co/pressure-free-parenting-video-book/

If you would like a hard copy or paperback copy of the book, it is on Amazon. Just click here to access it.

Summer Stress? Tips for a Pressure-Free Vacation

As I write this, I'm getting ready to host my retreat on Lake Michigan this month, and it reminded me of vacations we took there and in New Hampshire as a family. Here are some tips that may be of help to experience a beautiful vacation:

1. Plan time for various family members to have one-on-one time. My son Hugh mentioned to me how grateful he was that for several summers he and our middle son Ned got to spend time in NH alone with my parents and one-on-on time with them, and then we would come for the days we could get off from work. Precious memories were made!

2. Flexibility. Allow for a more relaxed schedule. If everyone is having fun on the beach, stay in fun-mode. My phone flipped to Central time once when I was on the beach at Pentwater and it was so great to have an extra hour not worried about the time.

3. Play to the youngest. We tried as a family to plan our activities that would include everyone - things the youngest could do as well as the oldest. In NH at our big family reunion, we had a wild game of kick the can and the adults would carry the little ones so they could be a part of it, too.

4. Allow for quiet time. Once we were preparing dinner for quite a crew in NH, and my mother noticed that one of my sons - only 10 at the time - had gone down on the dock and seemed deep in thought. She turned to me and said, That's so beautiful, let's hold dinner for a bit until he comes up.

5. One more thing! This is an Ingalls Family tradition - we are usually the last to come out of the water, the last to leave the Go-Karts, the last to go to sleep, the last to get home because we've stopped at one more beach for a final swim!

A Tribute to Kathy Barton who said,

"An Old Do Can Learn New Tricks!"

This is Kathy Barton. She passed away in April at the age of 92, and I so wished that I had checked in on her before then. Over a decade ago, she called me and asked if I'd be willing to coach her, even though she was 80 years old.

I told her I would love to, and I drove to her farmhouse in Homer, Michigan to meet her. She was such an inspiration - so many talents! She loved to kayak, bike, and do yoga, and the mother of a gold-medal Olympian. But she told me she's always been stressed. It was a glorious day about six weeks into our work together when she emailed me that she had her breakthrough day - a day when she stayed Pressure-Free all day! 

Here's to a marvelous woman. And if you'd like to see her obituary, here's the link: https://www.kempffuneralhome.com/obituaries/a-barton

Breaking Generational Habits

A professional hockey player I was coaching in my performance methods asked me, “Is anxiety hereditary? Because both my father and mother were highly anxious when I was growing up.”

Nature, nurture. Rather than dive into that debate, I asked him if there were any behaviors his parents had that he consciously decided not to make a part of his way of being. He listed a few. And we talked about breaking generational habits. Like not getting angry over spilling something. Or overreacting if you’re running late. Addictions to alcohol or drugs.

Our habits of reaction begin in utero. We react when our mothers react. We react to sounds (we can hear everything so well thanks to the conductivity of sound in fluids), to movement. And then, when we’re born, we begin imitating. Facial expressions, movements, sounds, and reactions. Not just those of our parents but of anyone around us: siblings, other family members, caregivers, friends. 

As young adults, we begin to craft how we want to be in the world. But if we’ve been habitually triggering the stress response, it’s easy to be caught in generational habits of reaction. 

Here are some steps to begin to break your patterns. 

• Awareness. Start noticing your patterns.
• Acknowledgement. Come clean and tell yourself or someone you trust that you have this pattern. I like to say, “Acknowledgement will set you free!”
• Assess. What triggers the pattern?
• Action. What can you do instead to interrupt the pattern?

And celebrate! Whether it’s not longer crying over spilling something, arguing less with your partner, or drinking and smoking less, every habit you break can bring you more quality of life. effects: lack of focus, fidgeting, impatience, bursts of energy followed by exhaustion and burnout, blaming others, forgetfulness.

As I read studies on any chronic illness, there is always a link between symptoms and the side effects of the stress response. Which leads me to believe that by gaining control of the stress response, we can begin to alleviate those symptoms. That inspires me every day! What symptoms do wish would start to lessen?

Michigan is full, 4 spots for NH!

I'm looking forward to coaching the Michigan retreat - all spots are filled! I still have 4 spots left for the New Hampshire Retreat. Just click on the picture above to go the retreat page for more information.

Celebrating 14 Years

of Pressure-Free Living

It has been an amazing journey as an entrepreneur creating a new method to help people experience better health and performance while reducing stress and anxiety at the same time. 291 people from age 10 to 80 have worked with me privately. They are C-suite-level executives, business owners, professionals, educators, coaches, parents and students as young as 10. Thousands have experienced my coaching in retreats and group trainings, and tens of thousands have been in attendance at speaking engagements. I've worked with people at Kellogg Company, Steelcase, Microsoft, Wells Fargo, Blue Cross Blue Shield and hundreds of other companies. Plus thousands have read my book Pressure-Free Parenting.

This is only the beginning as there is still so much to do. I'm hoping to complete my second book The Pressure-Free CEO by my birthday in July. And there are so many people and groups I have yet to introduce to my coaching. I also want to continue to grow my certification program where I not only teach people the method, but help them deeply master it so that they can teach it to others either as a part of what they already do, or help them create their own coaching business.

I held a little celebration online the other night to reflect on these years, and when I asked what people's biggest takeaways from working with me were, here were a few of the responses:

• Better sleep - able to sleep through the night.
• The planner and writing an adjective (an intention) next to each activity in the day.
• Being able to more smoothly navigate change in the workplace and at home.
• Learning to let go of what does not serve you, especially in terms of your vision and what your are creating.

If you know someone looking for a proven way to up-level, my calendar is below:s

Unlocking Willpower and Motivation for Success

One of the reasons people schedule a call with me is because they feel stuck. They can't seem to get motivated. They lack willpower. It's not because of laziness or lack of talent. It's because parts of the brain are not firing properly.

What parts of the brain are "stuck?" The pre-frontal cortex is often referenced since it involves decision-making and executive function. If you follow Dr. Andrew Huberman, he talks about the anterior mid-cingulate cortex which is still a part of the cortex, but deeper and more centrally located.

Have you heard of the marshmallow experiment studying delayed gratification in children? Forty years later, there was a follow-up study using fMRI scanning that discovered a difference in the areas of the brain for willpower based on whether you have higher or lower self-control.

Subjects with higher self-control showed activity in the pre-frontal cortex, and those with lower self-control showed activity in the ventrial striatum which is linked to desires and rewards and is not a part of the cortex, but more centrally located in the brain. That led me to wonder if the subjects with lower self-control were under the influence of the stress response when they were tested, hence the cortex isn't firing properly. (Research always creates more questions for me!!) And is the cause of their lower self-control simply the stress response?

There was an article in Stanford Medicine's 2011 publication SCOPE that talks about how willpower is a lot like stress: a "full-blown mind-body response."

This got me thinking that we actually experience the inability to feel motivated and to have willpower due to the stress response, since the first release of catecholamine hormones slows the activity in our cortex and other parts of our brain. We are in survival mode and our brains are not capable of what is required to plan for the future, focus on work, study, eat the right foods, take care of our bodies. We just want to fight, run away, freeze, and protect ourselves from a threat. And because our brains are compromised for hours by stress hormones, we can stay stuck...chronically stuck, chronically stressed.

The antidote to this lack of willpower and motivation is to prevent the release of that cocktail of stress hormones so that those areas of your brain can function well. That's the essence of the Pressure-Free Method: breaking the stress cycle moment-by-moment with three simple steps: Targets (what are you aiming for), Triggers (what causes you to trigger the stress response), Tools (simple actions to prevent the hormones from releasing.)

The Real Power of Your Abdominal Muscles

One of the first Pressure-Free tools I developed was to encourage people to relax their abdominal muscles in that 10-second window when they first feel certain emotions. I was working with a high school baseball team, and I noticed that for some of the athletes it was very difficult for them to breathe from their abdomens.

That brought me back to 1980, my freshman year at the University of Michigan when I was a member of the Varsity 8 crew. Our captain had us all on down on our back on the riverbank and was watching how we breathed: "chest, belly, chest, chest...," she called out. She then taught us how to fully relax our abs and breathe deeply so that we could increase our oxygen and maximize our power in the boat.

But there's a deeper reason that your abs are key. The real power of your abdominal muscles is the fact that relaxing them can help you prevent triggering the stress response. Since we don't have ribs to protect our lower organs, our ab muscles serve to protect us in a fight. So we tighten them. And ever since the 1920's, when sit-ups became a component of military training in most countries, we've been tightening and tightening these muscles. Plus, we've been acculturated to try to look as thin as possible. "Suck it in!"

Note: pretty much the only time any other animal tightens their abs is when they are afraid.

Here's what I've noticed. If your abs are tight, you are probably holding tension in other parts of your body: your jaw, your forehead, your shoulders, even your hands and feet. Relax your belly and you'll find it much easier to relax other body parts, even your face.

If your abs are tight, it's as if you are priming your nervous system to go into fight-or-flight easily. The gut-brain connection has been studied since the mid-1800's when the ENS - enteric nervous system - was defined and noted to be key in all of the animal kingdom. In fact, you have 5 times the number of neurons in your abdomen than in your brain. Which makes sense when you consider that for millennia, in order to survive, we needed to be very good at triggering the stress response! But it's the 21st century, and we've become so easily triggered by things that are not actual threats to our lives.

As you begin to relax your abdomen more and more in all directions, you will find it much easier to have good posture, more energy, and improved health. And you will signal through that amazing gut/brain neural connection, especially the Vagus nerve, that all is fine and there is no need to trigger the stress response.

Side Effects of the Stress Response

This chart that I created after studying some research by Dr. Brent Myers at Colorado State is just the tip of the iceberg. When I ask people what they feel when they are stressed, the answers vary considerably from migraines and jaw-clenching to chest tightness and difficulty breathing to nausea and bladder issues.

There are embarrassing side effects like turning red in the face, dry mouth, sweaty palms, nail-biting and leg-jiggling.

And then there are the behavioral side effects: lack of focus, fidgeting, impatience, bursts of energy followed by exhaustion and burnout, blaming others, forgetfulness.

As I read studies on any chronic illness, there is always a link between symptoms and the side effects of the stress response. Which leads me to believe that by gaining control of the stress response, we can begin to alleviate those symptoms. That inspires me every day! What symptoms do wish would start to lessen?

Spots are going fast!

I have 3 spots left for the Michigan Retreat and 6 spots left for the New Hampshire Retreat. Just click on the picture here to go the retreat page for more information.

Let's Have a Conversation

If you're curious about any of my programs, from private coaching to group speaking, retreats, or certification, I'd love to talk with you. And sooner rather than later! So many times, I talk with someone and they say to me, I wish I'd worked with you years ago.

What I've found is that we live with various chronic conditions for so long that we don't think things can change. They can! I can't promise what will change, but because the programs I've designed are science-based, I know that something will change for you. It has for me -- no more eczema, allergies, or dense, fibrous breast tissue -- and hundreds of others. The button below will take you to my calendar:

Spring Forward with

Less Stress About Time

For those of us that spring forward this month and fall back in autumn (not you Arizona and Hawaii!), there can be a bit of adjustment. The first time I really complained about the time change was in college when our Michigan rowing team had Mid-West championships in Wisconsin on the very day we were to “lose” an hour. Add that to our back-and-forth time change from Eastern to Central and the fact that exams were the next week, and I found myself quoting T. S. Elliot, “April is the Cruelest Month…” This phrase became a pattern — I’d say it every year, even though in 2007, they changed the month from April to March!

As I reflect on why I complained, it’s become clear to me that time can easily become a stressor for me and for my clients when we perceive that we are not in control. I often will decide to stay up an hour later than usual, and “lose” an hour of sleep without even thinking about it (I’m in control). But when I’m forced to change my clock an hour, or if I expect something to occur at a certain time and I have to wait, I’m easily annoyed. 

Feeling annoyed can trigger the stress response just as easily as anger or anxiety. And feeling ashamed because you miss a deadline or arrive late can do so, also.

I think that one of the root causes of why we get emotional around time is how key members of our family of origin reacted to time. We either followed the patterns of behavior of key family members or resisted them, and either one can cause time stressors. How is time a pressure for you?

The key to gaining productive hours in your day is to notice the moment you begin to feel tense or emotional about time and to interrupt the stress response before we lose perspective and behave and think in ways that are unproductive. The gains are real: at least two hours a day and one of my clients reported three hours!

These four Pressure-Free tools can be helpful when you notice a time stressor:

• Relax your abdominal muscles, especially your lower abs, to tell your brain that you are going to be OK.
• I’ve got all the time in the world,” “Tomorrow is a new day,” “I’ll get there when I get there.”
• Reduce the number of things you do before leaving to go somewhere so that you have plenty of time to leave on time. 

Colds? Allergies?

Tips to Boost Your Immune System

A few years ago a mother brought her 10-year-old son to me to see if I could help him overcome some anxiety around math and soccer. He was quite talented in both and a classic high-achiever.

At the end of our consultation, I asked him if he had any health issues that concerned him. He did. Allergies. Year-round. He said that his father also had terrible allergies, so it must be genetic.

He went through my student coaching program and at the end of the last session, I asked him how his allergies were. He grinned and looked over at his mom, who also was smiling. He said, “I don’t have any allergies anymore!”

What changed for Dylan is that by preventing the stress response many times in his day, his immune system could begin to heal. Stress hormones affect every aspect of our immune system and can be the root cause of frequent colds, allergies, inability to heal well. In fact all chronic diseases both mental and physical are either caused by or exacerbated. 

In our sessions, I never directly talked about his allergies. But what I did do, is help him interrupt the stress response and also build belief that change can happen.

We focused mostly on performance anxiety for his math tests, his homework load, and his soccer. He was the one who made the leap that more things could improve!

Here are three tips:

• Open yourself to the possibility that your health can improve. You can even say to yourself, “I’m open to the possibility that…”
• Notice where you are holding tension in your body. Relax your abs and then go to the spot you’ve identified and gently relax the muscles there.
• Whatever you currently do for healing, let go of any resistance. For example, sometimes we will take medicine and say to ourselves that we don’t really think it will work. Or we will drink a tea with immune boosting properties, but think it probably doesn’t do much good. A simple reframe changes your brain chemistry which affects every cell!

How to Walk and

Massage Your Feet

with Lila Veronica

I asked my personal body coach Lila Veronica to share how to care for your feet. She’s helped me and thousands of others experience less pain with these practices. Check out her video and if you want to connect with her, you can click the button below. And the lower button to connect with her.

Spots are going fast!

I have 3 spots left for the Michigan Retreat and 6 spots left for the New Hampshire Retreat.

Just click on the picture here to go the retreat page for more information.

Timing Your Smile

Over the past few decades, there have been many research studies and anecdotal articles written on how smiling affects our emotions, including articles with headlines like, Fake Smiling Doesn’t Work and one that I find quite interesting, that was published in Medical News in 2022: Is Fake Smiling enough to Improve Your Mood. You can check it out here: https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/is-faking-a-smile-enough-to-improve-your-mood

What all of the studies are missing is the critical factor of the timing of the smile. One of the first tools I teach my clients is to smile. But the timing is the key.

If you can begin your smile in the ten seconds when you first start experience an emotion, a tension, or a trigger that could possibly result in you releasing an over-abundance of stress hormones, you can prevent significant changes in your brain chemistry, your response, and the outcome of the event, including how you feel. 

During my college years, I participated as a subject in several psychological studies at the University of Michigan and had a first-hand glimpse of labs and protocols. Just walking into one of those labs can be triggering!

As I dig deeper into the side effects of the stress response, I’ve started to question the results of research studies because when I consider the subjects involved, chances are nearly every one of them, like I did back in college, has triggered the stress response prior to participating in the study.

This means their cognitive function and emotions are under the influence of the stress hormones rendering results that will reflect the myriad of side effects of these hormones. So I take them with a grain of salt, and focus instead on the results my cients are getting.

Your smile can be silly, sarcastic, small, or so big your fillings show! So keep noticing what causes you to feel any tension or any emotion like feeling angry, annoyed, anxious or ashamed, and smile, especially in the 10-second window. I'd love to know your experience!

Healthy Breast Tissue

If you know me, you know that I’m a fairly modest person. I rarely show cleavage like in the photo on this month's e-zine cover. But, I decided to do so to bring attention to the importance of breast health. 

My mother passed away in 2005 at age 68 of breast cancer. Her first diagnosis was at 62, which is the age I will be this year. 

I still remember sitting at the breakfast table back in the late 90’s, reading a Wall Street Journal article about a study linking dense fibrous breast tissue to cancer. A shiver passed through my body as I read that. Because, you see, I had dense, fibrous breast tissues. So dense that mammograms hurt. 

And then when my mother died, I started to wonder when, not if, I would go down that path.  

That nagging fear probably caused me to trigger the stress response more often than I care to know. Until 2010. That’s the year I developed The Pressure-Free Method and started experimenting with it. At first, I thought I had developed this method to help people perform at higher levels - in athletics, in the performing arts, in business, in school. But it is far more than that. 

Eight weeks into using the method, my breast tissues were no longer dense! I was so amazed at the change, that I decided to share with my mother-in-law. In fact, I was so excited that I whipped off my bra to show her! She exclaimed, “Oh my! They’re so youthful!” And then we cried together, for she had lost a breast to cancer in her 40’s. 

Recently, a client of mine experienced a similar change in her tissues, calling Pressure-Free truly life-saving. Of course, I can make no promises about what will happen for any of my clients, but what I can promise, is that mastering the Pressure-Free Method prevents the side effects of stress hormone release. And that does have an impact on gene expression and cancer according to a 2022 research study that you can access here: https://factor.niehs.nih.gov/2022/2/papers/stress-hormones.

The Power of Dynamic Posture

over Static Posture

by Lila Veronica

Dynamic posture, in stark contrast to its static counterpart, is a powerful force that embraces the natural curvatures of the body while in motion. Unlike static posture, which emphasizes the importance of staying still with a straight spine, dynamic posture recognizes that the body is designed for movement and constant adaptation.

The magic of dynamic posture lies in its ability to allow the body's natural curves to work harmoniously, promoting strength, flexibility, and resilience. When we move dynamically, whether walking, running, or engaging in physical activities, the body instinctively adjusts to maintain stability while accommodating its inherent curves. This adaptability not only prevents strain on specific muscles and joints but also promotes a more comprehensive engagement of the musculoskeletal system.

Static posture, on the other hand, often leads to stiffness and rigidity. While a straight spine is crucial for certain activities, maintaining this position for extended periods can result in discomfort and potential health issues. Dynamic posture, by embracing the body's curves, encourages a more fluid and natural way of moving, reducing the risk of chronic pain and promoting overall well-being.

Understanding the power of dynamic posture is crucial in a world where sedentary lifestyles prevail. Incorporating dynamic movements into daily routines not only fosters physical health but also enhances mental well-being. By acknowledging and respecting the body's natural curvatures during movement, individuals can unlock the full potential of dynamic posture, leading to a more balanced and resilient approach to life.

If you’d like to learn how you can integrate dynamic posture into your everyday life, feel free to schedule. A complimentary posture assessment at https://speakwithlila.com/body

What's Your Fun for February?

In 2021, I was in a coaching program with Shanda Sumpter, and on a call at the end of the year, she shared two tips that have changed my life:

1. Plan your fun for next year.

2. Whatever goals you set for yourself for the next year, do it in half the time.

That year was one of the most fun, most successful years of my life. I planned two amazing trips. One to Vancouver and Victoria where our son William ran the marathon and our eldest son Hugh and my husband Peter ran the 10K, plus my husband got to see his friend from college for the first time since our wedding in 1988 - he ran the half marathon. And I ran all over Vancouver cheering them all on!

I also planned an extended time in New York City for our whole family to go to William's graduation from Columbia, then hop over to Brooklyn to watch him and his friend Ignacio run the Brooklyn half marathon in their graduation gowns!

And it keeps getting better, as I do more spontaneous travel and take time to visit family and friends.

For 2024, when I asked myself what I wanted to do for fun, the first thing that came to mind was to go to a concert of Vikingur Olaffson, my current favorite pianist, to see him play the Bach Goldberg Variations.

At first, I wanted to fly to Iceland this month to see him play in his home concert hall in Reykjavik, but then I saw that he was playing in Carnegie Hall a week earlier. I have performed and attended concerts in dozens of halls in the US and Europe, but I've never been to Carnegie Hall! That changes this week. I WILL see Vikingur perform there! And I can't wait to hear my favorite variation, 13, played live.

What is fun for you?

And what fun will you plan this month?

And is there a goal you are working on that you could achieve in half the time?

Your Theme for the Year

Back in 2018, when a business coach I was working with asked me, "What's your word for the year," I had no idea what they were talking about. Apparently, I missed the memo floating around that focusing on a word or theme can be beneficial.

And I found myself resisting choosing a word. Which was a sign to me that it might be helpful! Since then, each year, I have had a word or a theme that really has helped me focus on what's important to me.

The best one I've chosen to-date was streamline. I chose it by asking myself, "What do I need more of this year?" And the answer that came back to me was organization which I translated into streamline. 

You, too, might benefit from a theme. And if the first word you choose needs to change, you get to change it!

Why Streamline?

The author Stuart Wilde would say that if you're feeling a bit muddled, clean something. 

Streamlining means a few things to me:

• Cutting through the crap.
• Clearing out the crap.
• Keeping my phone clean and organized.
• Keeping my computer clean and organized (always a work in progress!)
• Creating routines that make my life flow better.

My computer background is just a solid color, no photo or design. That helped me significantly. I did it to my phone, too, but recently have added a photo that is significant to me. 

Another streamlining trick is to reduce how often I touch things, like mail, dishes. I engineer where I keep things to reduce how often I open drawers. I know it may seem  like I'm just shaving off a few seconds, but they add up! Even just a little streamlining will give your more time for the things that matter.

As I continue to work with CEOs and high achievers on their stress response, I find myself reflecting on random circumstances in my past that are analogous to their situations. One of these was believing an assumption that was reinforced by the opinion of an expert.

A few years ago, I watched a crowd of parents at a cross-country championship run from spot-to-spot on the course to get a better view of the runners. I was walking, not running, and next to me was a Big 10 cross-country coach.  He shook his head, looked at me and said, “nobody should run after the age of forty.”

It was an assumption that I had also made. I was primarily a walker, in part because I’m ultra sensitive about my joints, having damaged my knees in track in high school (they took a year to heal), and having hip issues after my pregnancies. I thought that running after the age of 40 would have me replacing joints, and this Big 10 coach confirmed it.

So for two decades, I rarely ran…until April of 2023 when I was out for a walk and my body just wanted to run…barefoot! So I took off my shoes and socks, and I ran—I’ve been running ever since.

It turns out that I can run after 40 (after 60!) In fact, we are built to run our whole lives!  But, we often aren’t trained appropriately and that leads to false-assumptions, like: don’t run after forty.  These assumptions become culture when they are reaffirmed by others, especially those whose opinion we respect.

I changed my assumption about running when I applied the methods of alignment that my personal body coach Lila Veronica had taught me - how to sit, stand, and walk - to my running. And it worked!

The reason I was thinking about this and my work with CEOs is that there are cultural assumptions related to stress that are espoused by experts and the inexpert alike.

Many of my clients are told by health professionals and their family members to get a handle on their stress, to slow down, to take a vacation - go to the Bahamas for a week! They assume that this will reduce the effects of stress.

For most people, going on a vacation will not de-stress them. You’ll encounter different stressors: flight delays, traffic, the weather, the rude or incompetent person at the counter. 

And for many of the leaders I coach, who love being in the driver’s seat, it can be triggering to relinquish control of their lives to pilots and taxi drivers. In fact, many people get back home and say they need a vacation from their vacation!

There is no moment in our lives where the environments are pure enough to not potentially be stressed by them. That means we need a different way to approach stress by releasing assumptions that are not truly serving us.

For example, not: where can I go to avoid it (you can’t) but: how do I prevent the stress response so that it doesn’t derail my day, my week, my career, my vacation.

There aren’t stressful and not-stressful scenarios  There are moment-to-moment habits of reaction that cause us to trigger the stress response and experience the resulting side effects of stress hormone release.

Experts and non-experts alike may assume that you need a break to remove yourself from stressors. But that doesn’t solve the issue. By preventing your stress response, you’ll find that you can do exceptional things. You can be aligned anywhere (work, vacation, social situations) and perform at even higher levels than what other people—even expert people—did not think would be possible.

I believe that you deserve a beautiful life, no matter what challenges and difficulties you encounter. If you or someone you know is in need of assistance, I am here for you!